Day eight

It's the eighth day, and I still feel the same. I am enjoying missing you. I love that you are scrupulous and thoughtful, I appreciate that you think before you do and when you do, you mean it. It's not every day you find someone with such genuine conviction. I like that about you. There are a lot if good qualities you have, but I think that is the most exceptional. It's what really makes you, you. I miss you being in my life, and I miss you.

A week later

By the way, I know you've been waiting, so, It's the seventh day, and I still feel the same. I reread your old emails today. I was reminded just how beautiful those feelings were in words, how real they were. I miss that. I find it so unreal now, so far away. I miss hearing you say my name and all the feelings you poured into it. I miss saying yours. There was so much passion between us, and I can't wait to rekindle that. I can't wait to feel you crave me again. I want to feel that again too, I miss your heart, I miss your words, and I miss you.

Day six

By the way, it's the sixth day, and I still feel the same. I was showering at my mom's house today and it made me think of showering with you. I miss how comfortable I always felt with you. I've never felt judged or naked around you. I miss you, and I miss being physically close to you. I miss cuddling you, and being cuddled by you. I miss touching you and drawing on your back. There are a great many things I miss about you, but there's something about the substance of you that makes you real, and I know, more than anything else, that what we held was real, and that is beautiful. I miss the smell of your hair, the touch of your skin, the brush of your kiss. I miss all of that, and I miss you.

His fifth text

So it is the fifth day, and I couldn't wait any longer to send this. If I have it right, you'll be eagerly awaiting this message anyways. Merry Christmas. I know we said it earlier, but I wanted to say it again. This house in new Hamburg is full of memories of you. I remember falling asleep on that tiny bed with you, falling asleep in my mother's room with you... Playing at the playground with you. I tipped over on that stupid pony thing. I'm a fatass. I love that you were good with kasey, that you were good with kids even as you said over and over that you hate them. I miss sleeping beside you. I miss making you breakfast. I loved that you felt so natural to do those things for. I miss how right we felt, and I miss you.

All I want

Christmas 2012

Christmas Eve

I went from work to my mom's house. I asked my brother to take the stuffing out of his bra because it was really bothering me. He told me to fuck off and slammed the door so I left. I cried. I felt like this :

On the night before Christmas, not a creature was stirring, not even Simba, when suddenly there was a bright light and a flash...ing number on the screen. Someone was calling! Just before midnight. It peaked my interest:

It was Chris, we talked for about three and a half hours and we both went to bed feeling like this

I keep going and going and going and going

I just keep pushing him away and this jeopardizing our chances of getting back together. I still feel hurt and am trying to let it go. My skin is so thick is hard for things to hurt me more but also for the hurt feelings to leave me.

Chris and I texted a bit today. I wanted to say this but didn't send it.

His fourth text.

Well it's the fourth day (jesus, only?) And I still feel the same. It's harder to write these messages now, because there's no wind coverage in Wellesley.Nevertheless, I came here and the first thought I had was "I wish I could have shown Maria this place." I know you've seen it, but you haven't really seen it. I never got to take you to the gazebo, nor walk through the forest. I wanted to take you wild leek picking. Why? Well I thought about it, and I realized that it's because I want you to share my life. I want you to know me, because you're one of the only people I could let into my heart. I love that you loved me, and cherished me for me. I love that you always wanted to know about me, wanted to learn about me. I miss that about you, and I miss you.

I wanted to know everything about you but you didn't want to learn everything about me. You couldn't even be bothered to remember my age or high school.

This is my first Christmas truly single since I was 13.

I regret that. I regret not thirsting for you. I regret not being eagerly obsessed with you. I regret not letting go. Well, It's a new experience then. I wouldn't call you truly single though.

Not letting go? I would. I'm not kissing or cuddling or anything with anyone.

Hm.

Third day text

Well, it's the third day now, and by now you should be less surprised that I still feel the same. I know it's early (ish) for a message like this, but I've been thinking, as usual. I thought about the first day we met. I thought you were so old.... Graduated for sure, probably a psychology or sociology major. I remember how impressive you were, how shocked I was by how you carried yourself. It was refreshing, addictive. I found myself drawn to you like a great magnet. And, of course, I thought about the end of the day, you made me feel so small! You made me feel like I was silly to try. Of course, I am something of a competitive person, so that only made me want you more.

You made me smile, made my head fuzzy. You were and are intoxicating. And that continued all that week, to say nothing of how interesting you were to me. Half the time drunk, half the time trying to understand how one person could command that much of my attention. Not many people grab my mind like that. I miss that, and I miss you.

His second day text

I'm still here, actually. I would have gotten home too late. I am impressed that you have much such an impact on my life in seven short months. I love how pictures honestly can't frame you. Your personality is too big, too amazing, to be framed. In life, you are always the centre of attention, and you earn it, you earn it because everyone wants to see you laugh, hear you talk. I miss that, and I miss you.

We went Christmas shopping today. I lashed out at him a lot. I'm still very hurt and mad but he claims he will put up with it until he "wins me back". Hmm. We will see. I can't seem to stop myself from saying mean things. He looks hurt. His eyes looked so glassy when I hurt him. I felt bad, but not as bad as I would normally. I guess I attribute my level of indifference to my fury at how we broke up and about that girl and ugh. Oh Chris.

Worst. Sweater. Ever.

I worked really hard on this super ugly Christmas sweater for the work party and came up with this winning piece of art work haha.

Tinsel and felt. Mmmm my favorite.

He wants me back.

So, I have been doing nothing but thinking about you, and I hope you don't see this as.... I dunno, dishonest. And I know as well, you said you're happy and all, so I don't want to upset that, but it has been on my mind and I am still in love with you, I miss you, and made a mistake. I only want to know if you would take me back. If not, I understand that too.

Chris, you know I love you too but it's not about saying these things. It's about actions. I tried for two weeks and you made it clear that you didn't want to be with me. It hard for me to believe otherwise

I know. i know I know I know. Listen, I'm not as quick as you, by which I mean I think too much, I'm not as confident as you, I doubt myself more than you do. It has taken me this long to realize that you made me deep safe, you made me feel loved and wanted. I just know now that I needed this time. I went from Ashley to you too quickly and never had any time to realize how special it is to be in a relationship with someone like you. I doubted you too, I needed time to realize those doubts were foolish. I didn't treat you as an equal, I needed time to feel the pain of that, I didn't respect you in punctuality, and in other ways, and I needed time to realize that too

So? Actions speak louder than words. My trust was shattered and you're going to have to work really hard to regain it. If you really love me, you will find a way to show me. :/

If there was an action to take to erase the past weeks though, I wouldn't. They were necessary for me. I needed them, and I needed the pain, to wake me up. You know I never had a night I didn't think of you. I just beg of you to try to understand. I really do want this, and I would take any action to prove it.

So I told him to go to the work party. Even though I know he hates dancing an parties.

Oh boy, my reunion night with you is in a run down dance club hahaha. Like poetry. Terrible, terrible poetry.

You're going to give me a heart attack you know. This is the stupidest thing I have ever put myself through. Showing up after I spent the day explaining that I'm not going because I didn't want to interfere with your good night. Immediate tension and difficult social scenario, in a context that I have NO comfort in.... With my current ex who I am trying to get back together with and am not sure how to act around. Seriously. This is sitcom bad.

At the party he followed me around trying to get my attention and talk to me. We went out and talked. He said he loves me and made a mistake. He promised me lots of things, one of them being a daily text saying he loves me. Later he walked me home.

This is yesterday's text.
Good morning. It's the first day and I feel the same. I'm not sure what I'm going to wrote, because I know some things I want to say, and I also know that I don't want to hurt you or make myself sound coercive. I suppose I'll just say one thing tonight. On the walk home this morning there were puddles everywhere. I splashed through them and froze myself to the bone. Probably not the best for my illness, but it was worth it. It reminded me, unsurprisingly, of you, walking through puddles with you, getting hit by bus-made tidal waves. I miss that, and I miss you.

Yesterday after work he waited for like half an hour so we could take the bus together and then he walked me home.

I'm very skeptical and don't really think he deserves a second chance. I don't know what to do, because I still love him and because I know he is genuinely trying. I'm also still incredibly hurt and mad. I guess I will just wait it out and see how it goes.

Sound of Silence

Music

It's only through times like these that I realize all my music is about love. Or break ups. Blah.

"In and out of my life you come and you go. Leaving just your picture behind and I've kissed it a thousand times"

He texted me about his guitar

Fuck. The guitar. We forgot to make him take it.

This is what happened in a mostly coherent manner.

He said we forgot his guitar. And then he said he misses me and will love me forever. I told him that he needs to stop doing that and that he made his choice. I also said we need to stop talking for a few months and decide in March if we want to be friends. He said its hard bc of work but I said he can talk to other sups if he needs to. He said he is confused about his feelings. I said I feel sorry for him. He said I shouldn't pity him and that he just wants me to understand.

Then I said "I know. I don't and won't ever. You know I'm one to have my heart and mind set on one track. But you aren't allowed to be confused, you chose it. And it just makes me hopeful. So meh. Point is we aren't getting back together and we aren't friends. End of a sad, pointless story." And he didn't answer. I'm seeing him Monday after work for him to pick up his guitar. I saved the last message I sent him because it keeps me sane haha. I deleted his number and his texts.

And then I was mad because I realized he claims to have broken up with me because he wants me to be happy. He doesn't respect me enough to let me make my own choices or to maybe tell me the truth.

I feel like an idiot though. I chased him and he can't even make up his mind about how he feels or what he wants. He claims to know he loves me but the only thing he is certain of is that he can't be with me. Wtf. If you love me then why not. It's such bullshit. If you don't want to be with me say it. Don't make up some flimsy excuse. Coward.

I don't think I've ever been this mad at someone's lack of bluntness before. Whatever. He can take his guitar and gtfo.

He picked his stuff up

I didn't think you would be so spiteful

What do you mean? I folded your things and packed them for you.

Well just cold. I just wanted to talk

Okay so talk. You listened when I wanted to talk so I'll listen.

I miss you, I want us to be friends

You broke up with me and you want me as your best friend now? Don't you think that's selfish?

*fast forward*

Plus you only miss me as a friend. That means nothing to me.

I don't only miss you as a friend.

Talk about mixed messages. This guy is telling me he cares for me and misses me as more than a friend and then when I called and asked him what he wants he says he doesn't want to be with me. WTF. I feel like I just took a knife to my skin, on a scar that only recently started to heal. I feel like an idiot for letting him play with my emotions for the past two weeks. He is being selfish and irrational. He doesn't know what he wants but the only thing he is certain of is how much he doesn't want to be with me. Even though "my laugh hurts him because he misses me so much". Wow. I can't believe it. If you feel confused that's your problem. Don't make me deal with it for you. I'm so heartbroken. Just when I start picking up the pieces he gives me a line for my hopes to be reinspired. I feel like an idiot.

You have no idea

Chris you have no idea how I'm feeling. Or how mad I am that you had moved on before we broke up. Why not speak up? You have no idea what it's like for me to be surrounded by your things and your friends, to lose my appetite and suffer from severe sleep depravation. To wake up shaking from a nightmare in the middle of the night. A nightmare I woke up to remember is actually true.

Why do you bother texting me and pretending you care about how I feel? A person who really cares acts instead of giving a flimsy excuse and then texting. Just let me be.

Done.

Been doing some Facebook stalking. Chris went to the concert with that girl he always texts. The concert we were supposed to go to together. And apparently he knows what her shower looks like? Three days after our break up? Wow. I'm so done.

I've saved these pictures on my phones as motivation to get over him.

Some old dreams

These are some dreams I had last year after Matt and I broke up. Had them saved on a sticky note on the desktop. We broke up on April 10.

august 5-6 dreamt about matt. and his new girlfriend. and texting dorota all the time. went to his house. fernando was there sleeping on the table downstairs. i just layed down on the couch and covered myself with blankets. saw a stack of papers on raymond cage. :/ his and dorota's texts. read some from the couch. moved near the computer. matt came down and pointed to the papers and said i should "read the rest so that i could get to know the real her" YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. lmfao. on the subway with him and his friend (non=existant in real life).. his friend starts hitting on me. they say they are going to move in together. his friend moves closer and we are talkiiing and flirting and then we started making out? lmfao . with matt there. with his friend on top of me. matts shocked face. his friend gets off. "WTF, you made out with my ex gf?!!" bwaha. got off train.

nov 11: got fed up of being alone, knew matt and mindy were going to italy for a trip. went to the airport with chantal to  board a plane and go as well. I see josh woods and go to him, cry on his shoulder and he tells me matt had been talking at wonderland about some new girl, tiana. I get on plane with chantal and it had problems taking off..up a bit and ground again, barely lifting up... lift up, nose dive falling, level up.. land, "can't, storm is coming" pilot says. come back the next day. we do, take that plane to italy. get to where mindy and matt are staying. he is shocked, why would u think this woud be a good idea. "i love you, i cant live without you. ive been looking for you everywhere". he looks somber and tells me his girl tiana is upstairs. its best if i go, i leave back to canada. convince perrume lori and mario to go on road trip with us, chantal comes too. drive to a restaurant near italy and stop for lunch. see knitting, ask whose it is, matts, put it down. sit for food. lori talks about some commercial or other. we lave, i tell them to head over to the hotel so i can have lunch with mindy, i go see her and as why she didnt hang out w/ me the first time i went to italy, she said matt told her not to. stage opens up and out come some female dancers and matt to perform. i call his name and he wont look, i get on the stage and it turns out matts wasnt even there, just in my head, everyone stares. perrune texts and i wake up, saw his fb and his status is "to the love and joy of my life, thanks :)"

nov 17- speaking to matts mom on her table and then i see matt parking in drive way with dan marinzana. matt and dan come in the house and matt tries to talk to me and i turn around and yell fuck you and keep talking to his family that looks kind of shocked. me and matt arguing in his room and i keep calling him mario, because i see mario all the time. end of dream. wake up matt poked me on fb.

nov 23- matt and i are talking in some hotel room he rented. he is playing with his shirt while he is talking to me. i notice his nipple piercing, let me see, oh i didnt know you had both done, also has skin near armpit pierced, hes trying to convice me to go to some party with his wonderland friends. i keep saying no.

What's this?

Chris texted me today!

We work together so when he showed up to work we made eye contact and neither of us smiled. I'm sure we both looked exasperated.

We had a briefing in the morning and he texted me during it complaining about one of our coworkers

He asked me to take the bus home with him

I said no.

I would have loved to. So much. I'm still very much in love with him but I didn't think he wanted to talk about anything productive. I don't want to be his friend. He didn't bother giving me an answer since I told him I thought we should get back together. Coward. Maybe I should refer to him as Cowardly Chris. Haha, it sort of reminds me of the wizard of Oz.

The bus ride could have been:

• Small talk - we aren't and will not be friends.
• get back together - that's unreasonable and overly hopeful. Plus he needs to show me he wants to be together, not just tell me
• be friends- don't want to
• let's not get back together - uhm, I already assume this is his answer, considering actions speak louder than words soooo no point going through this conversation.

I think I'm doing this because I don't want to hurt myself but I can't help but wonder if telling him no was a bit childish. Or maybe it was the grown up thing to do.

The secret grown ups don't tell you is that there never really is any grown up thing to do, is there?

I love this song! What's it going to be boy?

Dating

I was thinking that maybe I don't really want to be with Chris. Not the way he acted anyways. I don't think I just want to date either but I did wander onto that side of Craigslist today. You know, just to see.

I think I'm rebounding. Just want to attach myself to anything that shows promise. Hm. That is an absolutely delightfully terrible idea. I just need to be patient and something new will bloom from somewhere unexpected. I just wish it was now. I hate waiting.

Waiting has got to be the most annoying thing to do. It makes me feel idle and ineffective. Also I'm a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. I know I can get it. I just also know its not the best time for me to take out my own emotional instability on some unsuspecting, too-eager-to-love heart.

Annabel Lee

Annabel Lee
By Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

The perfect guy

I made a list of all the things I want in a man. And also of all the things I want to be for said man.

Alone

I guess to some extent you get used to being alone. You get used to not expecting phone calls and having nothing to do at night. You don't expect to turn around to open arms any longer. The small sounds of him have been replaced by silence. Your thoughts echo through your head, with no one to share them with. All in all, being alone isn't terrible, it just is.

I read that two years ago and saved it on a sticky note on my desktop. It's funny how I felt so connected to that writer and his/her feelings. I feel the same way now, again. It's hard being alone.

So here is my cheer me up list:

• Pretty Woman (any Richard Gere is golden, actually)
• Snuggles from the cat
• My awesome, respectful, and reliable bosses at work
• My friends
• Watching snow fall through the window
• Hot tea at night
• Music therapy (basically blasting music and singing at the top of my lungs... more like screeching)
• Chocolate
• Working out/running. Makes it feel like I am literally getting away from my problems and nightmares
• Writing! I actually have something I call my break up journal. It's a beautiful notebook I bought at Indigo which has a lot of painful memories and moments inscribed in it. 
• Making attainable goals and lists (like this one!)
• Did I mention chocolate?
• Changing my appearance (dye hair, exercise, paint nails, haircut, etc)
• Getting out of the house.

I guarantee that doing a combination of the things listed above will make you feel better! Snuggle your pet! Cry and sing really loudly! Go out and watch a movie with a friend. GO, stop reading this and GO.

I do, Internet

You know, it's funny, last time I had a broken heart I slowly healed it by not only getting under someone, Mario, but also by watching dozens of horror films. It, Rec, pshyco, the ring, etc were all movies that kept me awake and kept my mind occupied from thoughts about Matt (who?)

This time, it's similar. Loss of appetite, no sex drive, and a complete devotion to the internet. But instead I am watching romantic comedies. In fact, I have watched 5 movies in the last two days and four of them have been about falling in love. The only one that wasn't, The Client List, is about a woman who does everything she can for her family.

It's about strength.

Maybe that's why I'm not too focused on watching horror films. This time I'm going through the feelings instead of pushing them away. It makes me feel numb, then sad, then angry, then back to numb. It's weird because I am used to putting my feelings aside and this time I'm not.

I hate feeling numb. It's like you can't really see or hear anything. Like trying to watch TV while you are underwater. And not only underwater but in murky water. It's such a strange feeling. Not really living your life but feeling as a spectator.

Blah.

On a brighter note, I have been invited to a secret party. More details on that on Friday. I'm stoked. I just want to go out and party and forget about everything.

Seriously, the last few days I have spend a sinful amount of time on the internet and an equally large portion of time talking and cuddling my feline companion. He's a doll. Keeps me company in the morning. Makes me feel a little bit better about not waking up beside the ex.

A dream within a dream

A dream within a dream
Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

I feel shitty today. It's been seven days since we broke up and I'm still desperately in love with him. I have thought of him every single minute since we broke up. And the bad thing is that I'm sure he has only thought of me in passing, if at all. Le sigh.

This is my second favorite poem by Poe. My first favorite is Annabel Lee, look it up! I may post it sometime in the future.

A guy I was really close friends with, Mario, told me that trying to hold into control is like trying to grasp sand in a closed fist. The more you close it the more sand slips between your fingers. To have full control you must give up control. You must open your palm to hold more sand.

Blaaaah

Bleh

Still feeling blah about the whole situation. Find it hard to concentrate at work but I'm resolved to move on and go to the gym more often. Just keep myself busy. Hm Hm. I find myself looking at girls wondering "is that the one he was texting the night we broke up?" I'm going crazy!!

Le me.

I've tried drowning my sorrow in silence
But thoughts of you surround me.
I inhale them and my heart stops

Phantom of the Opera

CHRISTINE: Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in a while - please promise me you'll try. When you find that, once again, you long to take your heart back and be free - if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me We never said our love was evergreen, or as unchanging as the sea - but if you can still remember stop and think of me . . . Think of all the things we've shared and seen - don't think about the way things might have been . . . Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned. Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind. Recall those days look back on all those times, think of the things we'll never do - there will never be a day, when I won't think of you . . . RAOUL: Can it be? Can it be Christine? Bravo! Long ago, it seems so long ago How young and innocent we were... She may not remember me, but I remember her... CHRISTINE Flowers fade, The fruits of summer fade, They have their seasons, so do we but please promise me, that sometimes you will think of me!

I refuse...

I refuse to be stuck in a cloud of uncertainty. The last five days I have thought of him all day, no other thing has occupied my thoughts. I feel both an emotional and intellectual void.

It's been a full day since I told him I want him. He has yet to contact me so I guess that makes it pretty clear to me. I respect myself more than to let him drag me on a string for the next week or whatever.

I am starting my moving on process as of today. If he decides he wants to be with me, he will have to show it instead of say it. If not, then at least I was already prepared for a no.

This is the second time I dissapointed myself this year. Both times was for the way I handled a situation which upset me. I handled them poorly, and showed weakness. I am a lion, fierce and powerful. In those situations I felt like an abused dog, cowering and fearful.

I am a lion. Hear me roar.

Times two

It didn't work.

I met him at the fountain at York. I was secretly hoping he would apologize and kiss me. I saw him coming from a mile away and turned away from him. He sat at the steps away from the fountain and I had to wave him over. He hadn't recognized me from behind without my pink hair.

He sat next to me. He asked me how I had been and instinctively I said good and asked him how he had been. He said fine. I gave him my spiel.

He asked if we could go inside because he was cold. Then we talked

Me: You don't need to make a decision now, you can think about it, don't feel pressured.

Him: oh Maria, this would be so much easier if I never had to see you again.

It was then I realized things weren't going to end happily.

He said he couldn't date me for x, y, and z, but that he still loves me and will forever love me and that he would love to spend forever with me, but he can't for some obscure reason, and that he is in love with me still but that he isn't. He cuddled a bit close to me and I burst out crying. He said no to dating me like eight times, and "maybe" twice.

Him: But when you make an event on Facebook, do any of the people who reply "maybe" show up?

He implied that it was a definite no.

I've never done this before, do we hug, do we shake hands, do we cautiously avoid each others gaze?

I don't think we shake hands. I don't think we hug, but we don't have to avoid each others gaze.

Well, I'll avoid your gaze anyway

He gave me a weird hug, asked me what days I'm working and left.

The message

I sent Chris a message via Facebook that said hey are you working Thursday, if so can you meet up with me quickly beforehand... I've yet to get an answer

This getting your ex back is quite the waiting game. I'm not used to waiting for anything I want, I usually just go get it. I guess I have to wait to see if this can be successful. I think today is my third day as a single lady, if I am counting correctly. Hm Hm Hm, what is a girl to do without the man of her dreams?

I have decided to pick a song to add to each post as often as possible. Today's song is...



*drumroll*



rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (yes, it's a drumroll, hater)

She seems so absolutely perfectly and delightfully mad in this video. It's great. My boss loves her so he would be proud I'm showing you this video. You're welcome, loyal subjects. (haaaaaaaaa)

Valerie's Letters

Valerie's Letter

"I know there’s no way I can convince you this is not one of their tricks. But I don’t care. I am me.

My name is Valerie. I don’t think i’ll live much longer, and I wanted to tell someone about my life. This is the only autobiography that i’ll ever write, and – God – i’m writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1985. I don’t remember much of those early years. But I do remember the rain. My grandmother owned a farm in Tottlebrook, and she used to tell me that God was in the rain.

I passed my eleven plus, and went to a girl’s grammar. It was at school that I met my first girlfriend. Her name was Sarah. It was her wrists – they were beautiful. I thought we would love each other forever. I remember our teacher telling us that it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew.

Sarah did.

I didn’t.

In 2002 I fell in love with a girl named Christina. That year I came out to my parents. I couldn’t have done it without Chris holding my hand.

My father wouldn’t look at me. He told me to go and never come back. My mother said nothing.

I’d only told them the truth. Was that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have.

It is the very last inch of us.

And within that inch, we are free.

I’d always known what i’d wanted to do with my life, and in 2015 I started my first film: The Salt Flats.

It was the most important role of my life. Not because of my career, but because that was how I met Ruth. The first time we kissed, I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again.

We moved to a small flat in London together. She grew scarlet carsons for me in our window box. And our place always smelt of roses.

Those were the best years of my life.

But America’s war grew worse and worse, and eventually came to London.

After that there were no roses anymore. Not for anyone.

I remember how the meaning of words began to change. How unfamiliar words like “collateral” and “rendition” became frightening. When things like norsefire and the articles of allegiance became powerful. I remember how different became dangerous.

I still don’t understand it: why they hate us so much.

They took Ruth while she was out buying food. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. It wasn’t long until they came for me.

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place.

But for three years I had roses – and apologised to no-one.

I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch.

But one.

An inch.

It is small and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I hope that - whoever you are - you escape this place. I hope that the world turns, and that things get better.

But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you.

With all my heart.

I love you.

-Valerie."

From the film V for Vendetta. Funny short story. Once me and Matt were watching this movie and I thought that Vendetta was the protagonists name. I asked why Vendetta did blah blah blah and he gave me a blank look. Fail. 

The Flip Side (Dating)

See things from the other point of view!

How to get your ex back?

Okay so I have been seeing A LOT of articles and videos online on how to get your ex back. Some of them I think are pretty fucked up so I will do my own version (and tell you if it's successful tomorrow)

DO:

• Give your ex some space, let them think about what they want to do and if that includes you. Let them miss you! S/he can't miss you after the relationship is over if you're texting and calling all the time. How much time? As much as you think is necessary, but not too long either. Anywhere between 5-10 days I would say. 
• Keep busy - I know this one sounds difficult if the break up just happened because you were devoting all your time to that person. Now it's time to relax with your friends, catch up with season three of Glee (haha), finish that essay. This is the time where you can go dancing with people who actually like dancing.
• Be sincere- If you want to get your ex back you have to be honest. DO NOT try to make him or her jealous, that will just push your ex further away. You want to start a new relationship based on truth and honesty, and the best way to do that is to be truthful and honest right from the start. When you start talking be honest in what you want.
• Change - like really change, don't pretend to change until you get him/her back. Actually change, not only for them but for yourself. Were you a nagging bitch who took him for granted? Did you cheat on her? Did you never listen to him? Did you lie to her? If you want them back for good you have to change the things that made you lose them in the first place. 
• Something I also recommend is changing your look as well, this is something I have been doing after every break up I've had. Most recently, I dyed my hair from pink to brown (pink is not very marketable in the dating world haha)
• Be prepared for either outcome - Don't lose hope. What's worth the prize is always worth the fight BUT you cannot make someone love you or appreciate you. I know right now you're probably thinking "I just want my shitty relationship back, I don't care" BUT it's a two way street. You should VALUE yourself! If he doesn't love you then why do you want him back anyways?

DO NOT:

• Invade his privacy -  As stated above, give him some time. Do not check his facebook every ten seconds, do not hack his email to read who he has been talking to, do not look through his texts or chat history. It's not something he has shared with you! and more importantly, it violates his trust and reinforces why he broke up with you. Who do you want to be? The crazy stalker ex or the girl who he let go without a fight? Think about it everytime you want to hack his things
• Trash talk him - sure, it might feel nice momentarily but will it really make you feel better to tell everyone your ex wanted to try some freaky things in bed that you found disgusting when you get back together? I don't think so. And you can't be sincere in telling someone you care about them and want them back when you tell everyone else he's an idiot.
• Let yourself go -  This is not the time for breakdowns, it's the time for plans. Skip the huge Toblerone, or the tub of ice cream, or the sad romantic movies. NONE of those things will make you feel better in the end. You need to do something that makes you feel better, like paint, watch a comedy instead, youtube Hakuna Matata and sing it super loud, go to the gym (lol ew, but its worth it!).
• Make your ex feel pressured- If you make your ex feel like they have to be with you they will be unhappy. Do you really want to be the reason why the love of your life is unhappy and can't do the things he wants to do? I don't and I'm sure you don't either.

That's all I can think of at the moment. If you have any questions, comment below, and I will try to answer them! Keep hoping, star-crossed lovers!

I need a dolla dolla dolla is what I need

Tomorrow is the day I'm going to talk to him and just be sincere. I'm going to tell him I respect his decision but that I'm confused and hurt and that we should fix what needs to be fixed..

I don't think I've ever been so nervous. Or, uhm, anxiously hopeful?

I hate being stuck in this limbo, admittedly I'm doing it to myself but styyyyyylll. I want to know NOW if I should just move on or if he still wants to work at it.

Hey Pumba, not in front of the kids!

Hakuna Matata, that's our motto

"What's a motto?"

Nothing, what's the matter with you?! AHahaha

You know kid, these two words will solve ALL your problems.

I think this is the BEST way to cheer youself/others up. It adds an instant smile for me and I'm sure everyone gets a kick out of it. I love how they convince Simba to eat bugs "oh well, Hakuna Matata". I guess YOLO is the modern day Hakuna Matata, but YOLO is reserved for those with an IQ less than 40.

I refuse to give in to my blues, that's not how it's gonna be.

I absolutely adore this song.

But on a different note, I had a midterm today that went super smoothly. So easy, hopefully my marks reflect how good I feel about it!

Have an essay to do as well but I've been focusing on making myself feel better

It's my second day as a single lady and it's raining, not a good combination. If all goes according to plan I won't be single for much longer, but I can't put the healing process on hold for anything. Why would anyone want to extend the pain of brokenheartedness?

Ta ta for now

Some pictures of Simba :D

No Plan

I don't have much of a plan, really.

I told Sara about how I want to get Chris back. It sounded pathetic coming from my mouth. She pointed out that she has never seen me so emotional about something. I am determined.

The only worry that I have is that I might be too late, maybe he will attach his affections to another before he realizes how much I love him.

I'm thinking... maybe I should do something about it. Should I try to get him back? I've read a lot of articles today on how to get your ex back. I want to put them to the test I think. I really love this guy and, as stupid as this sounds, I'm willing to fight for my relationship. Blah

ouch

Why does this hurt so fucking much. I would think since we dated for only six months this would be easier to get over. Blah. blah blah blah. i just wish he would run up to my door knock on it and make up.

The Break up (x2)

Chris and I broke up last night. He told me that I was right but he wasn't willing to change what he was doing so we should break up. I spent all day crying and looking at his facebook. I must have clicked his name a million times in the past 12 hours since we broke up. Even now I can't stop thinking about him.

The pain isn't as bad as when Matt and I broke up two years ago. I think I must have guarded my heart better this time. Too bad, because Matt will never be half the man Chris is.

STOP!

Focus on the negatives and why you shouldn't be together, not on all his sweet smart qualities. OkayUhm, he always stinks of sweat when he comes over. He belittles me, he doesn't pick up the phone when I call, he doesn't listen or take an interest in what I do. He is all talk and no action. He just rolls over after sex. He never shows how he feels, he would rather be rational than show how mad or happy or anything he is. He texts other girls day and night. He smokes. He hid things from me.

Fuck.

None of those things really make me feel better.He has a great smile and a golden heart. But I don't have a place in it.I must have pushed him away? Isn't it typical for the on who was broken up with to blame themselves? I couldn't possibly just let him walk all over me like the other one.I deleted his number, Facebook, our texts, any sweet messages, all the plans I had for Christmas. I don't to be reading how he will "love me until the last breath leaves his breast" and then remember how full of crap that was.Here we go, heartbreak number two.