I think I should know how to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints

Was supposed to see Matt in like fifteen minutes...

And watch his favourite team play soccer.

I don't really like soccer.

But I agreed because he likes it. I was looking forward to seeing him.

Then I get a call from him saying he's going to some bar thing to watch the game with his dad.

Erm.... okay.... great?...

I guess now i have to wait almost 3 hours to see him.

Hm.. and I had my hopes up and everything already... gah...

On a completely unrelated subject, I need to start buying Christmas presents... including Kris Kringle for my ultra-special-secret-person... hm..plus I feel sickish....

Plus today is my six months with Matt... I guess that's one of the main reasons I wanted to see him so soon? Plus we won't get alone time later because we are going on another double date with his friend, Phil, and his girlfriend.

Hm... at first I didn't really like her...maybe it's because I don't like talking to people I don't know/ am trying to impress. I feel the need to impress all those who are a part of Matt's life. I know I should be my own persona and what not but I rather keep quiet that make myself out to be ignorant.

"It's better to have people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"

Thanks Yohan (Y). That's a Camp O bond for you.

Well, shes really nice actually. Today we are going to Toronto's 43rth annual Calvacade of lights.... basically, we are going to go see the city's Christmas tree and all its little lights turn on.

Why does the image of the tree burning pop into my mind?

Out: Soccer, Bars

In: Christmas shopping and this song:

UPDATE: So the double date was cancelled and we just decided to go downtown for the tree thing by ourselves. It was nice... got there kind of late so we didn't really see much.. Then I made him walk through this swarm of people to get to the city's Christmas tree. I love the smell of those things. Yum. We walked around in the Eaton's Centre and went into Starbucks and Indigo. I had fun... but I always do with him.

UPDATE NUMERO DOS: Okay, we have been dating for six months now, it's about time he puts something on his msn name that hints at me. Just sayin'.

Hotel Room Service

SO, as previously stated, my birthday dinner thing with Matt is in this post while the rest of the story is here.

We were walking down the street back to the hotel when I started to shiver.. and not the little shivering thing girls do in movies.. more like actual shivering, teeth beginning to chatter, kind of shivering. And he gave me his jacket even though it was like only 3 more buildings and crossing the street. Whatevs, still sweet.

We walked back into the hotel room but I didn't feel weird again this time. Called my mom. Told her I was on my way to a sleepover at my friend's house and then she said...

"Oh.. already? call me when you get there so I can talk to her"

Greattttttttt... Can you just leave me alone and not make my life so complicated?

Guess not... I know you know I trick you. And I still outsmart you every time. No matter how much you hate my boyfriend.

That is when I called me friend and asked her to three-way my mother so she would be able to speak at the same time as myself. So I began talking to my mother and she asked to talk to my friend.. my friend timed her entrance into the conversation so perfectly, couldn't have done it better myself.

Needless to say, my mother believed it and left me to it.

Matt sang/half-danced Happy Birthday for me. I love how he is so willing to do anything that he knows will make me happy. There is a bit of coaxing and he knows it's ridiculous but he still does it.

Talked more... joked around, stuff like that... ended up falling asleep at like midnight with his arms wrapped around me.

I remember half-waking up and kissing his lips... falling back asleep... him moving away and me wrapping myself around him.. me moving and he doing the same thing... kissing each others faces... ending up awake.

Ending up awake... at 6:oo am. Instead of sleeping in, we started talking again... until his cellphone rang... at 6:20ish in the morning! It was his father...

"Where are you?"

Matt: I slept out..

"Oh okay...bye"

I love that. Then I got up and straightened my hair... played a little number game with my love... Time flew by.. His phone rang again... the taxi driver was driving back the foresaken backbag... We got ready to leave.. me carrying my flowers and him carrying the box with the cookie in it... checked out.

Walked down the street.. the looks he was getting were absolutely priceless.. he was still in his dress clothes (rawr, he's so deadly)

So then we went into the subway and went home to drop off our stuff and ended up at his practise.

*Sigh*

It was perfect :)

Spuntini

I have decided to post my brithday thing with Matt in two parts.
This is the first one
and the second part is called "Hotel Room Service"
Like the song :) yes. Pitbull. Kay good.

So this is about last Friday ... when Matt took me out for my seventeen birthday. Yay!

I bought him this huge cookie... and made him a thank you booklet kinda thing.. so he has an idea of how much I appreciate everything he does.

Let's get the the juicy stuff... ;)

So he picked me up in a taxi.. all dressed up and looking deadly as always... so I handed him the box the cookied was in with the booklet taped to the front and got into the taxi... my brother was tapping at the window nearest to me and I waved him off and then we left.... while we were driving... Matt turns over and hands me a bunch of flowers.

This, being the first time I ever receive flowers, was a very nice surprise to begin the evening with. Anyways, so we drove to the hotel (rawr) and checked in. We went into the room.. and it was dark...

I don't know. I always find things so symbolic... it was like... "hm, this is what coming home would be like"... and well it kinda felt weird for a while... not awkward but... I don't know.. weird... marriage-like?

Anyways so I changed my clothes, we talked for a bit and he opened his surprise. Which I think he liked. Hopefully. Or maybe he lied... men! ;)

Then he noticed that he left his backpack, laptop and change of clothes included, in the trunk of the taxi and called the driver up. The driver said he would deliver it to the hotel the next day.

Afterwards, we walked down the street looking for the restaurant, Spuntini, until we found it and walked up a couple of stairs.

Very impressive restaurant choice, I must say. There were practically no visible walls but, instead, tons and tons of international wine bottles sitting on shelves. And candles. Each table had it's own little candle. Which I thought was nice.

"Reservation for two"

What's your name?

"Matthew Ferreira"

Ohh, come with me.

All the people there were so friendly and so attentive to everything. They lead us to our table, which had a larger candle on it, and took our coats.

Matt sang happy birthday to me :)

We ordered. I ordered this pasta thing ( well duh, Italian restaurant) with shrimp and mushrooms and yup it was delicious.

Then Matt said...
"Hm. Candle-light dinner. I wasn't expecting thiiiiisss...."

Me: Oh?

"I lied, I asked them to get a larger candle and to make the bottom look like it had been there for a while."

Me: you lied...? you lied!

"Modesty dear, modesty"

All the little details he went through... aw, makes me feel so special. So after we finished dinner, he paid and we got up and went to look for our coats... which we couldn't find. So the host suddenly showed up and saw Matt going through other people's jackets.

Then he called the police and had Matt arrested for theft.... no thank God. :)

Instead he went to get our jackets and we left to the hotel.... but not before I took a piece of candle wax avec moi!

Birthday

yay so my birthday was fine... Matt wrote me another letter... love it! Made my day...

today's the day he is taking me out.... this shall be fun!

UPDATE: oh my god best day of my life will write on it later cuz i am doing english but oh my god

me?

I was rereading the post about my birthday and I realized that I forgot to mention the ah-mazing plans Matt has for the Friday after.

He's picking me up. Then dinner and then... a night at a hotel. Mh, interesting!

Kept reading on in that post...

"Who was I?
Better yet, how much more different am I now?"

This made me think back to that again. I know the answer. I'm exactly the same person. I'm still caring, jealous, obsessive, loving. sometimes even aggressive...It's black or white for me, always has been. Not even my feelings reflect shades of gray. They are either there or... they are not.

Anyways, digressing again. I am the same person BUT, with the experience and wisdom I have apparently gained, I realize that what I want has changed.

I don't care for conformity, or the safety of friendships, or about what other people want. I have learned to care about what I want and what makes me happy.

I always cared about what made me happy. I just put other people's happyness before mine. But now, it's about me. Because I can be happy! Because I deserve the best!

I'm so lucky I found it.

Cute

Kay maybe I won't be as busy as I originally thought. At least not for now

Christmas is coming up :) how nice.

FINALLY decided what I am purchasing for Matt. Hopefully his parents don't think of it too but, meh, I shall call them soon to ask what they are getting him.

:) good.

Spent like an hour looking at his future gift. It's awesome :) Surprise surprise.

English

I hate English class. I really do.

I love the subject but that teacher makes me dread her next few words.

Essay due soon.

May blog over the weekend but its ta-ta for now.

Ta-ta for now!

Break

Young man!
Are you listening to me?
What do you want to be?

Taking a break from homeworking so I decided to come here anc blog about nothing in particular. Which is what I usually blog about. Most of these posts have absolutely no substance, they aren't even written as well as I am capable of writing. It's just a place for me to privately rant about things.

How private is a blog though right?

Well, ONLY like 3 people I know in "real life" have the link to this. And most people don't really stumble on blogs, haha. So basically, it's my own little reflecting place.

Anyways, my birthday is coming up. Don't really know what to expect. I know my birthdays have always been really good or really bad in the past.

When I was younger than nine, everything would be awesome. My family, practically my entire private school, trampolines, ventriloquists, animals, clowns, bouncy castles. Those are some of the things that I would have for my brithday every single year. But then my parents divorced and we moved here.

No more family to attend and anything else I ever knew. Gone.

Mh. I guess that's when things started going down hill.

I kinda missed bloggind about it last year, was kind of busy ... wow.. looking at that post, really makes me wonder.

Some things written there about Michael. It's weird seeing that. Things like "never been stronger"... I don't even recall feeling like that... it's like someone else wrote all of that. I find it so hard to imagine that it was me once upon a time. Me who would wait outside my school during Camp Olympia meetings just to see him for five minutes, me sprinting down the school hallways to talk to him, me sitting with him on the ferris wheel.

Who was I?
Better yet, how much more different am I now?

It really makes me sad thinking about that though. All I know now and all I should have known then to prevent everything from going so badly. Not as in a I-still-want-to-date-him way but as in a wow-how-could-I-have-been-so-stupid-look-what-my-blindness-caused. Does that make sence? Maybe not. But since when does anyone care about me making sence?

Anger Management Issues

What?

I am beginning to crack!
And I NEVER ever lose my composure, but lately, things have been a little too stressful.

I even cried over a math quiz. I got one out of ten on it. Gahhh That's pathetic.

Everyone saw, tried to comfort me.

Today we wrote a test. I stayed after school to finish the test along half the class.

I left like half an hour after school without finishing one of the questions.

Whatevs, if U of T doesn't work out, I can always just become homeless and starve or live in a box.

Y'know what I'm sayin'?

Exuse me while I throw up

Very interesting weekend. And I still have like almost a full day left! Matt and his friend had set up a double date for us to go to. Go watch the movie "paranormal activity", get some coffee, blah blah, something nice like that. Instead Matt, his friend and I hung out in his basement because the girlfriend of the friend was locked up at home; things were rescheduled for the next day. Then the friend left and Matt pulled out... another card!

Kay so in relation to my rant, Matt said, in the card, that I don't push him over the egde, that it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. Gah still makes me feel bad to drive him to say something like that

Very sweet card though, was pretty surprised :)

No doublt date that day but we still had a very nice time.

So the double date:

First we're at Subway, because Matt was eating. I hate Subway. Anyways so ya, we were there and the girl and her boyfriend came in, introductions were made. My love talked a lot about his personal life. Which I found interesting. A lot of that information I had to argue for and it was just spilling out of him. Mhm..

Went to Matt's house. Hm, the girl got kind of huffy at her boyfriend and kept talking to Matt's younger brother. While I was playing with him. Mh, I was like, excuse me, I actually care about this child, please take a couple of steps back. Anyways so her boyfriend goes to her and fixes things, thank God, and I played with Matt's little brother for a while, which caused me to fall practically on top of him. Oops.

We get out of the house, start walking towards the subway station. They walk in front while Matt and I walk a couple of steps behind them. They round a corner and keep walking so we decided to hide behind this tree thing so thta they couldn't see us. Not only did they keep walking, but they also didn't notice we were missing until they hit the street corner. Wowwwwww. That's funny though, Matt and I act so childish sometimes. I love that about him, always willing to play my games.

Get to the subway, get to the movie theatre, eat, buy tickets. Matt needs to go to the washroom so we go get seats for him. This isn't really important, well it is to me but whateves, so we save seats. And I go back to get him so he knows were we are. This is whats important to me, he gave me this smile when he saw I was waiting for him, ugh, melts my heart. :) gay gay kay but still.

Started watching the movie. The seats had arm rests that you could pull up so we did in order to get closer. Started feeling sick. Like throw up sick. Didn't want to get out or ruin the date thing so i just watched the movie. I swear, when it's the least favourable time to feel sick is always when I end up feeling like shit. Remember Moxies? Ya, fun stuff.

Movie finished. Walked around for a bit in search of a Tim Hortons, ya we're that Canadian. Ended up at a Starbucks instead. I hate startbucks. I've never had the actual coffee but just walking in there makes me feel sick. The smell is so overpowering. Plus I was still feeling sick from before, so that was no good. Spent out time talking about, well, paranormal activity. Interesting to see how much personal information flowed out of Matt again.

Coffee time finished, couples part ways, Matt's house again. Drives me home, spend like 2 hours talking about everything. My life, his life, what we hope for in our relationship, his father's apparent love for me, his ex, my ex, screwing up, and how much he had told his friends girlfriend. He said it was because he doesn't care what she thinks but was worried he would push me afraid...

"Terrified"

He obviously had nothing to worry about. Anyways so ya, talked for 2 hours, came inside my house at like 2:40-3am and was half lectured by my madre.

Overall, it was nice. I hate sharing Matt's attention but it's interesting to see how other couples act.

Is it a good think or a bad thing that they are planning a second outing?

Since Halloween just passed...

Rant

started an argument with matt for no fucking good reason.

made him get all huffy/annoyed with me.

this makes me feel like shit because i believe that i really am trying my best but time after time i see that my best is just simply not good enough it's never going to measure up to the good girlfriend standards i have set for myself i cannot make him as happy as i would like to and it kills me to know that i will never be able to make him trully happy just SAD or ANGRY or FRUSTRATED with the things i say or the things i do like i know we really care for each other but sometimes its so hard to not feel like a complete failure who just keeps messing things up time after time i know he tries very hard and it just makes it worse to know that i mess up so badly

gah i hate ranting but like ugh i really wish i could do better for him because i know exactly what he deserves and how far i am from reaching that bar gah i do not know what to do since my best is not working well it is we have a great relationship but it is not making him happy and him being all grr and bleh makes me feel like trash because i know that i cant do better.... fuckkk

mh then he said that i "just push me over the edge"

gah like ouchhh that could not have hurt more that is NOT what a girlfriend is for. It's not like you go up to your girlfriend thinking they are going to fuck you over, you go to them for comfort. fuckkk like seriously sometimes i feel like i am def just an absolute and complete failure at this

why can't i make him feel half as great as he makes me feel?

That's CRAZY

Wow kay so today I went shopping for wrapping paper for my friends locker. You know, all girl school tradition, wrap a friends locker on her birthday. Anyways so I was buying the tape and stuff when this lady who works at the store goes up to me and my brother and gives us two raffle tickets.

"We are giving a gold necklace in three minutes."

My last three numbers: 052
Fernando's last three numbers: 051

Oh. Me and my brother look at each other, well I guess it was worth a try right? Anyways... so me and my brother make our way there and we put in our tickets and then they surveyed us... the lady talked for like 2o mins and we had to wait for her to pull out a ticket.

The winner was the person with the last three numbers 052. I hope you noticed that was me. I won this necklace with a heart on it, going to be sold around valentines day for about 1oo dollars. Maria was pleassseeed :) Then she said, okay, since I've been talking for so long, I'm going to give out a second gold necklace.

She pulls out a ticket...

"0....5....1"

Isn't that crazy? or is it just me?

So Lately...

Gah kay. So instead of finishing my homework, I came here to quickly type out everything I've been feeling lately. I love doing this actually, helps me reflect. Anyways, so ya. I've been so emotional lately. Ever since last week it seems like I can really explain what I'm feeling or stop myself from gettin upset so easily. Every little thing has been setting me off lately. Well mh not really. Not EVERY little thing... just some things regarding Matt.

Yesterday was Halloween. Happy Halloween. I know I had an interesting night yesterday. Get picked up by Matt.. then quietish... then arguing...more arguing... more quiet.... I hate when he's quiet... It's usually when he doesn't want to snap on me... "say something he will regret"....meh I really rather he did snap. Then it be faster to get over it? I don't knowwwwwwww. Meh whatevs. Ate dinner with his family. Things relaxed a bit, put on my costume and was practically assulted and chased around for pictures.

He didn't want to take his brother trick-or-treating. But he did it for me anyways. :)

So we took him, joking around, laughing. I love when he laughs. So cute. And then ended up here.
Dating him is such an emotional rollercoaster. I know I said this before but, seriously, I think this everytime we have days like this. It's not necessarily a bad thing but sometimes it really gets on my nerves how he can have such an effect on me without doing much. Gah.

By the way, the ex is talking to him again. Commenting on our wall-to-wall. She's just a big a stalker as me. Sometimes I wonder just how much we have in common. It bothers me thinking that she and I would actually get along had I not known what I do now. I hate myself for it. What she did goes against absolutely everything I believe in. Specially since she did it to him. Gah. I guess it's in his past and I shouldn't worry about it?

But more often than not, the past catches up to you.